Ladies and gentlemen, I’m very pleased to inform you that The Eagle Has Landed. It took six days of nail biting apprehension, two days of trying to get apple juice down the gullet, and one thermometer up the backside, but it has finally happened. Little Mister finally pooped.
I know, I know. Y’all are probably saying, “This is way more than we needed to know about your child’s digestive behavior.” To which I have to say, “DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD BECAUSE MY BABY POOPED!”
You have no idea how very relieved I am about this. I have been lining his car seat with an inch stack of paper towels just in case. I’ve been massaging his tummy throughout the day being careful to aim him at his dad. I’ve been playing “Bouncy Bouncy” with him in hopes that vigorous shaking would somehow loosen his sphincter’s death grip on the payload. I’ve been sniffing his butt at night before I pick him up to feed him to avoid a midnight surprise. DUDES! I’ve become a BUTT SNIFFER!! (Now there’s a sentence I’ve never thought I’d type. Oh, and hello to all you weird perverts who arrived here from googling butt sniffage. Sorry to disappoint you.)
(Actually, no, I’m not. Perverts.)
And then today, Day Numero 6 of Poop Watch 2012, I went to the Chemist (Pharmacist for you Yanks) and bought an infant suppository.*cue suspenseful music here* DUNN DA DUNNNNNN.
Oh yes. I was bringing out the big guns. To paraphrase Marvin Gaye, ain’t no butt cheek high enough, ain’t no diaper thick enough, ain’t no colon deep enough to keep me from getting the poop.
Fortunately, just the threat of having a little glycerol bullet shoved up his pooper was enough to get Little Mister to get with the program and release the hounds, as it were. *Dance of Joy*
So, we can all rest well tonight. He doesn’t have a full, uncomfortable belly to prevent him from sleeping peacefully and I don’t have to worry about what I’m going to find when I go sniff his butt in the middle of the night. Wait...I mean...I don't have to sniff his butt at night anymore. Yes. That's what I meant...